Frequently Asked Questions
I have received a large amount of feedback on various topics since the start of this project. To avoid duplication I will deal with the more common queries here.
too busy to place my well-timed and perfectly executed cruelty against your
brutish smashing sadism - K
A.Don't mind if I help myself to Poland while I'm at it, then?
Q.do you remember the day you told me that in a tipical Irish conversation nobody should ever talk about too serious issues? - ASP
A.I also told you I was the Prince of Lurrrve, but you chose not to believe that one either.
Q.Because of Robbie Williams, Swing music and dancing is getting a
big revival here. - SH
A.I dare say that, also because of Robbie Williams, cows run dry, statues weep blood and grown men fear the portents of the skies , but none of this is news that I want to hear.
Q.by the way i sent
you a stick to fend off those naughty ladies! - CE
A. Ta, very decent of you, but nature kindly supplied me with one of my own.
Q.please take care of you. And never forget the SATISFACTORY.... - FI
A.I churn out happiness by the hour.
Q.Not photos. Idyllicised pictures of sheep. - J
A.Happy glowing little sheep singing 'Kumbaya' and selling cookies now flow through my dreams, haunting me, pursuing me... make them stop...
Q.so where are you now ,your moving so quick i cant keep up with you - HB
A.Always pays to stay one step ahead of the revenue. Not to mention the paternity/'illegal use of leaf-blower' suits.
Q.still making the same all pasta dishes then - SB
A.Still trying to show up vitamins for the mind-control/government-sponsored fraud they are.
Q.sitting in an email booth is hardly finding yourself - RGR
A.How else am I to escape the smelly backpacking crowd and their laughable attempts
to be "cultural" by wearing multi-coloured pantaloons?
Q.you are making imaginary moves again! - DA
A.An excuse that has worked well in darkened nightclubs the world
over, and one that I intend sticking to.
Q.what wrong with being a young flibberty-gibbert!!!!!!!!!! -SH
A.Too much going to the hop and listening to new-fangled
beat-combos from Liverpool will land ye in trouble one day, young wan.
Q.Nice work. It elevated those grubby little occasions at the
back bar in Paddy Cullens to something majestic, mythic and epic in her
mind, and overall enhanced my legend - DOK
A.I am a Swedish vacuum pump brought to life.
Q.dunno where you are, but keep that Paddy passport stitched to your forehead. -R
A.I prepared to use any device to cover my hide, and its paler shade of yellow.
Q.I haven't been flung around a dancefloor by you in quite a while. - T
A.The whole floor-insurance racket I had going went bad on me. Why do
you think I left the country?
Q.In defence of our reputed "choking" on first seeing
your Pasta a la Lumps, I would like to state
categorically and for the record that actually I was
simply overcome with emotion by the time, effort and
care that had gone into preparing us such a
masterpiece. - E.S.
A.Yes, I saw how you forced back the tears as you ate it.
Q.I hope you are doing well and that you found some
peanut butter and computer games. -G.B.
A.Yes, though it's remarkable how rarely internet cafe managers smile
on a combination of the two.
Q.left you a little offering in the fridge though...
hope you found it! - E.S.
A.Yes, thanks. I managed to corner it, and stab it with my pen-knife before it
escaped to trouble an unhappy world.
Q.Did you really with all you expert skills fall out of the raft on mild
old kicking horse river? Shame for you...... - T.
A.The river had it coming. I saw it looking at my bird.
Q. you have'nt seen the Montreal I have! Don't agree with your comments at all...!!!!!!!!!!!
......But....... hey..we are all entitled to our own opinions... - B.
A. Naturally I haven't and you don't.
"we are all entitled to our own opinions" inevitably means "you are wrong and
furthermore smell bad". Which perfectly describes Montreal. Self satisfied dump.
Q. Don't go. Nobody has ever returned alive. Or dead. Or living dead. -D.
A. But I must. There might be jelly babies.
Q. You never got over seeing Backdraft did you? - J.
A. Who could? For the firmly chinned among us it was a cry from the heart,
a call to arms, a puck in the snot.
Q. The only thing I may suggest is not ending the central america
travel memoir with references to eggs and rectums. -HZ
A. Face it. The truth is out there. And it's yellowish and a little curdy.
Q. Just reading your 'readers comments'.
I see people do respond. Are they friends?
A. Not for long.
Q. not meaning to speak for anyone else, but i personally would pay for the
service where i didn't have to see you skinny dipping.
A. Excellent. If a cash sum does not reach my numbered account each
Friday by 5 pm I post the 'WJ finds himself au nature' series.
Q. not very "anon"
is it - last time I ask you a question oh mighty guru:-) - anon
A. I merely open the door and stick out the foot. It is for you to
Q. ¿A los Mexicanos, le gustan tanto que a los Cubanos, las leyendas de
perros irlandeses con las pelotas magicas?
A. Los Mexicanos creen que jo soy un animale extranjero blanco. Corren muy rapido y dicen 'se guarde los ninos!'
Q. .. keep away from sharks of all types... - Mum
A. Now you tell me. I paid one of them five quid for a bowl of nachos and a bracing sea
view just the other day.
Q. Are you planning on compiling a book after
your travels? - L
A. It´s nice that you ask. However I think travel books are
usually written by inquiring poetic minds with sensitivity of, and
due regard for, the delicate balance of customs and cultures
that they salute along the way. I mostly hang around in mouldery bars,
flicking peanuts into ashtrays
and complain about the heat.
Q. Have fun with the vine-swinging buy be careful in the
jungle because em... remember..... it's....well you know - J.
A. Yes, wet, green, smells of last years laundry and
filled with a profuse biodiversity all of which lives purely to be itchy.
Q. These reminders that somebody is actually having fun in their life will ultimately take their toll on me you know - DA
A. You can recreate the tropical experience in the comfort of your own home by following a few simple steps. Go into your
bathroom and close all windows and doors, carrying with with a kettle and dimplex heater.
Boil the kettle, and keep it boiling. Switch the heater to maximum. Swallow a full
bottle of Milk of Magnesia. Now, having recreated that Club Tropicana atmosphere, spend
a couple of life enriching days, clutching your stomach and groaning. (For added effect,
invite your neighbours round to shout at each other and torture dogs just outside your
Q. Love the site. You might have put up pictures of the 2 dollar blow job
though. - DOK
A. That one reference has generated more interest than all of my sensitive
cross-cultural reportage put together. Next week: accidental bus frottage-the Marxist/Leninist perpective.
Q. don't forget the photos on your web site.....especially you with all the women running after you ahahhaha - V.L.
A. It's amazing how long it takes to doctor digital photos convincingly. I take it that last exclamation was a bold shout of encouragement, like Huzzah!, Tally ho! or at least, Hoopla!
Q. Is your mind broad yet? -J.
A. Travel may broaden the mind, but only long after the event, after a series
of good, hot baths and the chance to concoct some bogus adventures to bore your friends
for years to come. At the moment, I am simply hot, sweaty and am suspicious of all these dodgy foreigners and their threatening vowels.
Q.I can imagine the charm of writing an email using a good old 386,
obviously there was a limitation on the number of characters. -JA
A. Most things are where they ought to be, but you have to watch out for
little traps, like wanting to write an @ and getting a little 'n' with a dead rat on it instead.
Q. Be sure to try the local sport of "pugilism" - the locals love it and do it
with cigars. A fit triathlete such as yourself should do well.-RGR
A. Am concentrating on the white man's wiggle, which is the art of
moving around with tickets, pasport, traveller's checks and so on, all hidden in 'secret' compartments around my body and yet trying to look natural.
Q. What do you think - will having an apartment improve my chances of pulling a man - anon
A. I am glad that my reputation as a far-sighted international guru has grown to this extent. I will practice some more kung fu, save a few children from bottomless wells, and then pronounce the mysteries of the ancients in answer to you.